(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
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[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Smooooooth
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I think this should do it.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.