@theshantilly

*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend

*keeps avoiding eye contact

*walks by friend

*hears friend calling name

*breaks into a run

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@causticbob

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

@heyitsJudeD

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

@iscoff

*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords

@quikkim

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

@pinupteacher

Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.

@TheTweetOfGod

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

@Vanilla_cupcak

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

@junejuly12

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

@dubstep4dads

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit