I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend
*keeps avoiding eye contact
*walks by friend
*hears friend calling name
*breaks into a run
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Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.
Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.
Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit