The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
You Might Also Like
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.