I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
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the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste