Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

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Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.


Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.


I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.


I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?


If you like someone and don’t know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you’re cute.


You’d think a pandemic
would have more bread.


remember at school when you pretended to be interested in a teachers social life just to waste time in lessons


ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.