Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.