Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.