@jimmytorosian

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

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@andlikelaura

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

@chris_isloi

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

@hell_homer

that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare

@NewDadNotes

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

@mrjohndarby

In the middle of an important meeting I quietly pass my boss a post-it note. It just says ‘girl cats have wherskers’. He nods

@JermHimselfish

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

@E_lok44

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

@SortaBad

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

@generaldietz

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.