Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
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Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
a lot to unpack here
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.