[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
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The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
In the middle of an important meeting I quietly pass my boss a post-it note. It just says ‘girl cats have wherskers’. He nods
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.