Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.