AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Brilliant!
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.