“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?
Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do
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Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
The group of water bottIes in my room when I bring in another one:
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Fruitcake is like marriage. It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes them together into one thing that sucks.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink