@Barknado69

Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?

Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do

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@iamspacegirl

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*

@nonsensetwit

My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying “try again bro.”

@LilFlaOrange30

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

@TheAlexP

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

@ashleycrem

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

@ProdigyNelson

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

@sploosk

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO