Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?
Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do
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ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*
My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying “try again bro.”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
“SURPRISE!!!!” – Every girl with drawn-on eyebrows.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO