Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Good news
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?