I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Well, this is awkward
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire