Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
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Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams