[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
they finally got him. they got macavity
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft