@supershayne

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

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@sarcasticmommy4

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

@FINALLEVEL

ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.

@senderblock23

BAE: come over
ME: we live together im sitting right here
BAE: my parents arent home
ME: what is wrong with you

@johnbiehl

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

@pauleggleston

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

@JPLFR80

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

@TheNYAMProject

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

@barfolishus

If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.