[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
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I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.