Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
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excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Tell me you get it…🤣
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.