Awesome parenting 😂

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Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.


Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what’s for dinner.


They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.


People on twitter are worried about how long it’s been since they’ve had sex and I can’t get over how I haven’t had a cheeseburger in 3 days.


Angel: “I think we can all agree that 6 is enough.”
God (clearly upset about something else): “NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.”



“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”


Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore


Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.


Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.