@Muldwych

Awesome parenting 😂

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@TrueTorontoGirl

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

@LittleMissAngr1

Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what’s for dinner.

@Marlebean

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

@_salt_n_lime

People on twitter are worried about how long it’s been since they’ve had sex and I can’t get over how I haven’t had a cheeseburger in 3 days.

@ibid78

Angel: “I think we can all agree that 6 is enough.”
God (clearly upset about something else): “NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.”

@liv_thatsme

Overheard:

“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”

@CatsVsHumanity

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

@Sal0630

Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.

@KimmyMonte

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.