Awesome parenting 😂
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Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.