@rad_milk

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

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@TuSoonShakur

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

@aparnapkin

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

@JumpingJesusH

If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.

@Xoolun

Went to the gym and asked the trainer.

Could you help me do splits?

Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?

Me: I can only do Thursday.

@SassyPantssss

I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

@OBiiieeee

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

@sofarrsogud

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

@GrantTanaka

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

@sophielou

If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around – start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.