awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo