awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

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Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”


“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”


why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god


If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.


Went to the gym and asked the trainer.

Could you help me do splits?

Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?

Me: I can only do Thursday.


I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.


Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.


Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.


when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too


If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around – start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.