awkward
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The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.