[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
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Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES