Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
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[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Him: omg you showered!
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Idk if I wanna be a person anymore… kinda wanna be that naked garden gnome in my neighbors yard..
My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.