Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

You Might Also Like


Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*


[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”


Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.


No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now


Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.


I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.


Idk if I wanna be a person anymore… kinda wanna be that naked garden gnome in my neighbors yard..


My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.