@Rebecca8672

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

You Might Also Like

@dyldonot

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

@Leslie_Annie

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

@TheAlexNevil

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

@skylerhanrath

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

@murrman5

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

@mitushi

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

@ScienceMarchDC

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

@IamEveryDayPpl

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

@david8hughes

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}