@Rebecca8672

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

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@iAmJuddy

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

@thepunningman

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

@LeonEarlgrey

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

@mom_ontherocks

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

@causticbob

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

@skedaddle74

Idk if I wanna be a person anymore… kinda wanna be that naked garden gnome in my neighbors yard..

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.