Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
the simulation is moving too fast
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
My biological clock is wheezing.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.