“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

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Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you


Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry


*releases swarm of killer wasps*


*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee


Sitting behind a couple in this theater that’s making out. I’m gonna lean forward and whisper “This is nice” in a minute.



– crude
– played out
– may not even contain a bathtub


– sophisticated
– continental
– may contain lava?


*during sex*

Him: Hurt me

Me: Your brother is hotter than you

Him: I…

Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either


INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!


Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.


I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.