Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
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Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Sitting behind a couple in this theater that’s making out. I’m gonna lean forward and whisper “This is nice” in a minute.
– played out
– may not even contain a bathtub
– may contain lava?
Him: Hurt me
Me: Your brother is hotter than you
Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.