“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy