Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
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[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.