“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Just why bro?!
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.