“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
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Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.