@NouRahif

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

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@OakHill_

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

@iamspacegirl

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

@TheTweetOfGod

People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.

@BucMarvin

I put my pants on like everyone else. Two man servants holding me in the air while a third man servant wrestles with my flailing legs.

@XplodingUnicorn

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

@jewfacekilla

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.