Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
You Might Also Like
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.
I put my pants on like everyone else. Two man servants holding me in the air while a third man servant wrestles with my flailing legs.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.