Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
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I made a graph that describes every human relationship I’ve had
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
*swivels around in evil chair*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
🎵this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S
wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means…
Cut to kid opening lunch box