AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
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I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
What about second breakfast?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
They did not miss in the small print
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”