AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
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Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
LMAO.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space