@iAmDelFreaky

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

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@spacej_me

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.

@AimeeHelene1

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

@Godhatespants

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

@sfreeze6

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

@notalogin

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

@NervousJr

Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.

@aedison

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

@dubstep4dads

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

@PhilJamesson

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes