Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Axl: Where do we go now?
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
You Might Also Like
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.
Which is absurd.
Plus, they’re ugly.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes