Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

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Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives


“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet


“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”


I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.


Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir


if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.


“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”


Damn girl are you Schrodinger’s cat cos you’re in a box and all these nerds are talking about you?

Sir have some respect this is a funeral.