Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
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i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
craving $300 all of a sudden
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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