The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Hey guys, what’s the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.