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@Fickle_Filly

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

@realHamOnWry

My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.

@clichedout

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

@ArfMeasures

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

@wesleybordelon

Hey guys, what’s the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?

@imabbylouise

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

@DanMentos

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

@Marlebean

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

@KentWGraham

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.