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I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.


*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.


my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating


I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot


I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.


The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.


Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am


cop: i have to give you a ticket
me: [undoes button] how bout now?
cop: sir
me: [undoes another] how bout now?
cop: sir pls get off my shirt


Looking to marry a pharmacist. Looks and personality optional. Just don’t lose your job.


I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it