When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Always the camel, never the toe.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.