gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
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One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
#math
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
*exercises sarcastically*
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear