@Mistyears

aye brο whο tf created math and how we know he right????

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@KattsDogma

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

@decentbirthday

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

@internetluke

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

@LackOfShame

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

@tiffanygraceful

Gonna buy an old beat up car for the sole purpose of rear ending the hell outta people I let over and don’t get the thank you wave.

@Marlebean

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

@NoogsCorner

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

@RCKruseKontrol

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump