When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
aye brο whο tf created math and how we know he right????
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Gonna buy an old beat up car for the sole purpose of rear ending the hell outta people I let over and don’t get the thank you wave.
how was your vacation
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
50% Forrest Gump