We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
You Might Also Like
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
it was a valiant fight
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”