Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
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I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.