Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.