B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
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I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
concern
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My daily affirmation
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal