babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
“OMGJK” -atheists
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts