-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

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Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good


me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March


Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!


DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William


GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards


FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?



ME: to what?


I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC


I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*


🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today