-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?