“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
You Might Also Like
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
how to have an accident 101
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*