[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.