Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

You Might Also Like


If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.


“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds


INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference


I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.


[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda


Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance