Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
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smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Admin smashed it 😂
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.