@TheZachCozad

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

You Might Also Like

@pilau

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

@momtransparent1

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

@sixfootcandy

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

@LosLos__

Teach your kids cursive and they won’t get copied from in school.

@Muath_tu

Apparently you can’t get a sick leave just because you’re sick of seeing everyone at the office.

@UncleDuke1969

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

@Adar79Angie

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

@ComedicBust

Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.

Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

@YoungNobler

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.