Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake


They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?


Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.


Teach your kids cursive and they won’t get copied from in school.


Apparently you can’t get a sick leave just because you’re sick of seeing everyone at the office.


“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”


People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.


Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.

Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.


toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*


Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.