man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
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They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Teach your kids cursive and they won’t get copied from in school.
Apparently you can’t get a sick leave just because you’re sick of seeing everyone at the office.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.
Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.