@TheZachCozad

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

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@lisaxy424

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

@SortaBad

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

@ClichedOut

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

@iamjeffsloan

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

@fro_vo

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance