If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
This punishment is not working…
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
How is tinder still free?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance