If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
🤣🤣🤣
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go