Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.