@SortaBad

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

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@gogglepossum

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

@pilau

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

@junejuly12

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

@FinnMcIver

I really hate it when people repeat something twice when making a point. don’t do that guys, don’t do that.

@sensual_dad

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

@MaryJustice86

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

@RobDenBleyker

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

@AmishPornStar1

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

@Wakenbake77

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.