Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
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They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.