[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
I really hate it when people repeat something twice when making a point. don’t do that guys, don’t do that.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.