Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
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Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER