Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Go girl power!
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
quarantine day 3
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
This raises questions
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*