[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
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We avoided this particular disaster
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .