Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
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Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*